Human relationships are one of the most important elements of our lives. Children establish them from the very first moments – first with parents and older siblings, then with grandparents and other family members. The emotions felt by the child are also natural. Sometimes, however, it happens that these are extremely strong and not very positive. The child may be ashamed of the family, pretend not to know them, refuse to say hello or not answer questions. Many parents then wonder whether they have made any mistakes in raising their child, and whether the situation was a one-time thing, or whether it indicates a more serious problem in establishing and maintaining relationships. It also happens that the child has trouble speaking or is excessively shy. Let’s learn about the most common causes of such a phenomenon.
Excessive shyness in children – causes
Shame is a natural human reaction. It also occurs in children, being one of the natural developmental stages. If it passes spontaneously after some time, there is no reason to worry. However, some children are excessively shy, avoiding relatives or family members, ignoring them and not establishing relationships.
One of the causes of excessive shyness in children may be overprotectiveness of parents – when they are doing everything for the child, the child will never be ready to face his own problems, and any new situation will cause anxiety. It is advisable to encourage the child in new activities, introduce him to new age-appropriate responsibilities and motivate him to express himself independently. For example, the child can decide what he or she will wear, how he or she will arrange the toys and books in the room or who he or she wants to be friends with. Of course, there are situations where adult intervention is necessary, such as peer violence, but some challenges a child can overcome on his own, only with the help of parents.
Another reason why a child is shy with other children may be his personality and predisposition to be an introvert. Everyone is different, also among adults there are shy or reticent people. In such a situation, it is necessary to accustom the child to changes, new situations in advance, and not to force contact with others if they do not want it. Many children choose on their own with whom they want to make friends, it can be a small but well-knit group. And, after all, it is well known that one true friend is worth more than a large group of random friends.
Also, excessive, frequent criticism, public attention to the child (“don’t be shy!”), commenting on the child’s character in front of other people (statements such as “he’s so shy”) or excessive demands can contribute to excessive feelings of shame and a sense of inadequacy. So it is worth emphasizing in every situation that the love of parents is unconditional, while if the child does something wrong – talk to him alone, without witnesses, explaining why it is not allowed to do something (for example, “you must not hit anyone, because it hurts”).
Why the child is ashamed of the family
For a shy child, various family gatherings can be a real nightmare. They are usually attended by many people, including members of the extended family, it is noisy, and the child may simply be intimidated by the presence of people he does not meet very often. Then the child may ignore parents, avoid eye contact with other family members or pretend not to hear them, not wanting to say hello.
In such a situation, first of all, the child’s needs should not be ignored or punished for such behavior – the key is to understand why children are shamed by their parents and that the child is not doing it maliciously or against anyone. Also, you shouldn’t admonish the child in front of others or explain the child ‘s shyness, shyness to the family, as this will only shut the child up even more. Before the family meeting, let’s talk to the child, telling him about what will happen, who will attend the meeting. Let’s give the child all our attention, listen to him and do not judge (for example, saying “there is nothing to be afraid of”, “such a big boy, and he is afraid to say hello”). – what may seem funny or trivial to us, for a child is often a serious problem. Let’s also praise for small successes, when the child himself makes contact with someone, says hello, plays or talks. As far as possible, a child’s shyness can be tamed by first organizing meetings in a small group, at home, with people the child already knows. Going to a family party, where there will be many people with whom the child is not very familiar, is not always the best idea, especially if our child has not had such experiences before.
Why is the child ashamed to speak?
Sometimes a child is so shy that he or she doesn’t like, is even ashamed to speak. A withdrawn child may then ignore other people, giving the impression of being rude. In such a situation, do not answer for the child or force him to speak, but give him a moment to get accustomed to the new situation or ask questions again so that he can answer briefly “yes” or “no” or just nod his head. It is advisable to accustom the child to speaking gradually, talk to him a lot, read stories and encourage him to tell stories himself. You can also consider visiting a speech therapist or a child therapist.
Help from a psychologist or speech therapist
In cases of excessive child shyness, relationship difficulties or family problems, a visit to a psychologist can often be helpful. If the child attends a kindergarten, the first contact may be a psychologist employed at the institution. Our kindergarten Motylek 3 offers all preschoolers the care of professional, educated teaching staff: teachers and assistants, as well as precisely the care of a psychologist and speech therapist. Thanks to this in kindergarten full development of each child is possible, taking into account their individual predispositions. An important role is also played by cooperation with the child’s parents – it is with the psychologist that they can talk about all the doubts or report problems concerning the child’s behavior. The speech therapist, on the other hand, will suggest exercises or games to help them get used to speaking.
Shame is not a bad thing, it is a natural reaction that occurs in every human being, including children. And although in most cases there is no cause for alarm, as problematic behavior subsides over time, if in doubt it is worth consulting a child psychologist who can effectively advise on what to do if our child is excessively shy or shy.
